Big Wheels
From ibikeu Wiki
The "Big Wheel" is a very important and dynamic element to cycling culture. This entry will further elaborate upon the reasons why you require a Big Wheel for survival, and the proof that Jesus was, in fact, the inventor of the Big Wheel.
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Anatomy of a Big Wheel
A Big Wheel is loosely related to the standard bicycle that most people are familiar with; the only documented similarities between bicycles and Big Wheels are the circular wheels and pedals. All other similarities are currently theoretical at best.
Construction
A standard Big Wheel (pictured right) is built from high-quality plastic, which is usually infused with either quicksilver (from unicorn's blood), lead (from China) or boogie men (from under your bed) depending on the design of the Big Wheel. In rare cases the plastics have been infused with all three alternative ingredients. Plastic is used for its integrity at the high speeds and blunt force trauma which Big Wheels typically encounter during use.
As many have noted in the past, the Big Wheel was the original "fixed gear" bicycle. Since the pedals drive the wheel directly, it is actually a superior design to the standard fixed gear because of the simplified drivetrain. The recumbent position also increases a user's power output, allowing a Big Wheel to reach speeds nearing 88 MPH, at which speed time travel becomes possible. All plastic wheels provide maximum traction for outrunning people with cooties, or achieving ramming speed on uneven terrain.
Riding A Big Wheel
The popularization of Big Wheels led to an entire new form of cycling known solely as "Big Wheelin'." While it is difficult to define exactly what "Big Wheelin'" is, the physical and mental changes imparted to a "Big Wheeler" along with any observers has been documented at length. One is encouraged to search though Medical Journals and the Lexis Nexus archives for more information on this phenomenon.
Riding Form
Big wheels should be ridden with a mixture of aggression, abandon, and unadulterated happiness that results in MAXIMUM FUN. The proper posture is one which is laid back, fierce, and reckless.
History of the Big Wheel
- B.C. 0.5 - The Big Wheel is invented by Jesus, in utero. Jesus was actually born riding a Big Wheel.
- A.D. 1478 - 1834, Spain - Big Wheelin' categorized as heresy by the Roman Catholic church. Spanish Inquisition tortures suspects by forcing them to ride brakeless pursuit bicycles on the street.
- A.D. August 31, 1803, Camp Dubois Illinois - Lewis and Clark begin their transcontinental voyage on Big Wheels.
- Your 3rd Birthday - Parents buy you your first Big Wheel, later realizing the mistake they made.
- 3 days later - You have entirely destroyed the big wheel, and hitchhiked to the Toys-R-Us in order to steal another one.
- 6 more days later - You were discovered on the Canadian border, with two clowns and a pet bear.
- Your 5th Birthday - You have entirely outgrown shelf model big wheels and have been forced to remove the seat, so now you kneel and push with your feet instead of pedaling. The first instance of fix-pushing?
- A.D. 2000, Easter Sunday, San Francisco, CA - First Annual Bring Your Own Big Wheel Race.
The Big Wheel In Popular Culture
- The 1949 film "The Big Wheel" fictionalizes the seamy side of the small but enthusiastic Big Wheelin' subculture in postwar Southern California.
- In 1974, the rock group Lynyrd Skynrd mentions the Big Wheel in the first line of their controversial song "Sweet Home Alabama." Big Wheelin' becomes a fad in the southern states, and soon spreads to the rest of the nation.
- By 1977, Big Wheelin' has become popular worldwide. The first hint of a backlash appears in 1977 when British rockers Pink Floyd use the Big Wheel as an example of decadent luxury in their song "Pigs (Three Different Ones)."
- In 1980, the British film "Big Wheels and Sailor" is released. The film, a badly-timed attempt to cash in on two waning American fads (Big Wheelin' and the disco singing group The Village People), is a box-office disaster.
- In "The Big Wheel," a 1991 song by the Canadian rock band Rush, the Big Wheel serves as a metaphor for youthful ambition and inexperience, viewed in retrospect by an older and wiser protagonist.
